A physical sensation that I crave like no other. It cannot be brought on easily and I even believed I had lost it. I have not felt this burning in so long, I thought I had killed it. I spend so much time repressing my inner demons and depression that I loose so much more, it is hard to selectively remove the sadness and pain without also loosing the happiness and joy. The positives and elation fall away long before the sorrow is even touched and somewhere a numbness replaces carefree. Stimulation of the inner being becomes next to impossible and at times I think a deadness has set in leaving only a shell and I am not sure if I am even myself. Self destruction is not even a question because motivation to do right or wrong becomes so blurry. In time the ability to refrain from hurting loved ones or even know what will hurt them escapes me. I loath myself ever increasingly, not for what I have become, but for what I wish I could be or want to be or need to be. I am not complete, can I ever be whole as the person I pretend to be?

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